hmm...

If I’d been asked to write the on board welcoming speech for the 9.06 Edinburgh to Plymouth train on Saturday, October 16, it might have run along the following lines:

Good morning, ladies and gentleman. This is your guard speaking. Welcome to the CrossCountry service from Edinburgh to Plymouth. We have a few announcements to make. Those of you looking for Coach E, don’t bother. There isn’t one. Please find a seat somewhere else. A poorly-stocked buffet service will come round sometime in the next week. We apologise for the lack of supplies. This is due to theft from the train last night. This is happening regularly, and we suspect the cleaners at the Depot. Although, as the train was left unlocked there could be other culprits. The police are aware of the situation but as their canteen is always well stocked, aren’t in a rush to do anything about it. Finally, we can’t accept £20 notes because of a problem of fraudulent notes. Please therefore have change ready. We also accept credit cards: these might be a good idea due to the high price of our food.

The train will be busy throughout the journey and many passengers will moan about the lack of space, not getting their reserved seats and the lack of catering. The loos will be squalid within half an hour of the train leaving. But we hope that won’t deter you from using them.

We hope you enjoy your journey. Thank you for choosing to travel CrossCountry and we hope to see you soon and can reassure you that there are likely to be as many problems during your next trip.

Cynically yours

Jane