the weirdest feeling

Well, well, who'd have believed it? Probably not me, not deep down. Several days ago I learned that an epublishing company wants to publish my novel, Water's Edge.  What a novelty to receive an email without the usual phrases:   thank you for thinking of us, do keep trying,  today's fiercely competitive market,  sorry to disappoint you,  have to feel 100% committed to it, etc. etc.

Now as I wait for a contract, I trundle about my business, aware of observing myself for personality changes: supreme confidence, an altered attitude to those around me, thoughts of embarking on a spending spree, fantasies of becoming famous.



None of these has happened.  I still feel like me.  Some of the fantasy thoughts may become realities:  I might, at some stage, be asked to be a guest on someone's blog.  A local radio station, if short of content, arguably might want to interview me.  I really have no idea.  I don't know enough about the activities which surround e-publishing.  There certainly won't be newspaper headlines about me signing copies of my book in Waterstones because there won't be a hard copy.  There won't be a gift wrapped present to family and friends at Christmas.  And perhaps only a handful of people will buy my book online.  Perhaps no-one will.  But at least it will be for sale.

What has changed is that finally I feel validated - something I've waited a long time to feel - where my writing is concerned.  And the validation is all the sweeter for the waiting.  It resembles an inner cosiness, like the Kashmiris who carry round heated coals under their cloaks.

I don't feel smug -  I know I haven't written an extraordinary book.  I do, however, feel a huge rush of warmth and gratitude for the people who've helped me keep going, who've been there for me as I've wept or raged at yet another rejection: most importantly my wonderful partner, who has supported me at every stage and who retained his belief that I'd get there if I persisted.

Jane